DREAMWEAVING

Happy New Year 2007!

2007-01-07T03:24:11Z

2007 you couldn't be more welcome... the best things about new years is that you can erase all of last year and start over. Maybe this time I'll get it right. Been stressed with this whole residency process and trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. But I've come up with some of my best resolutions:

1) Be more decisive. Figure out what I want from life and just go.
2) Stop putting myself down because I can't keep expecting the ppl around me to build me back up. I'm going to put that energy into self-improvement, rather than beating myself up. I can't afford to waste time on that.
3) Cook more. Drive more. Just do things.
4) Keep in touch with friends and family, no matter how busy I'll be. And try to listen... really listen to ppl.

Where do we go from here?

2006-11-24T03:57:01Z

Happy Thanksgiving 2006. What a whirlwind of months have flown by and now I finally have a chance again to be at peace and reflect - not always the best thing as I seem to get lost in my own thoughts of what could be and what isn't. I'm double applying in radiology and medicine and have been astounded by the number of radiology interviews I'm getting despite the fact that I have nothing on my application that points me to being a radiologist. I have been adamant in my non-research... and I've found that I'm cut of a different cloth than these radiologist types because I'm genuinely interested in learning and putting things together. This of course makes me believe that I am best suited for medicine, which incorporates everything... however, I was miserable during my medicine rotations, never being able to speak up enough and never able to do things correctly. Perhaps I am safer behind a computer screen, where my actions can't hurt anyone. I have to admit though, there was something satisfying about ambulatory, about having my own patients that I followed over time. I liked that feeling a lot. Part of me still regrets giving up on OB... but in the end, I think that's for the best. I really don't know if there's a plan for me. People say you have to create your own destiny, that god's gift to us is free will. But I had always believed there was a purpose, a plan for each of us. And lately I have felt so hopelessly lost, that I've begun to doubt the existence of god.

For some, choice is liberating. For me, it causes inaction and despair. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could make decisions without second guessing them. I wish I felt like I could stand on my own. In the process of my depression over the last few months, I think I've managed to alienate most of my friends. People have rightfully kept me more at a distance and I'm trying not to mourn them. I have caused such destruction not only to myself, but to some of the people that I hold most dear. I miss my friends -- I miss how things used to be. I miss not having a default of unhappiness. I am so changed by medical school and part of me wonders if I will ever be able to find happiness... if I will ever let my wings go and fly. I've tended to blame my parents for my difficulties in not raising us to be independent, in not allowing us to take risks... and I've been wrong... bec. the only person to really blame is me. I am responsible for my own happiness and I keep shirking the responsibility... living in what might have beens. I would kill for a sign. I yearn for a sign that I'm of some use. I yearn for a sign that I'm not condemned to life of misery. I yearn for a sign that I'm doing the right thing. I yearn for a sign that someday I will love and be loved. Until then, I struggle now... struggle to make myself into an adult. And in the end... I still just want to be left alone... I just want to be at peace to be... to live as I please... without that responsibility that I haven't had to carry at all until now. I've been one of the lucky ones... yet I despair of the responsibilities to come.

Motorcycle Diaries

2006-09-02T14:17:02Z

Just saw Motorcycle Diaries, and it re-awakened the idealistic side of me. You watch these two men perform the unthinkable, crossing a continent on a beat up motorcycle. Yet everywhere they go are the struggles of people, that still can welcome them with open arms. It goes to show how much good one can do just by reaching out to ppl, to not be afraid of them and just to embrace them. And to take the risk by introducing yourself and your purpose - what a world of difference it makes... for them just to get a chance to know you and for you to know them. The characters visit a leper colony and instead of following the rules and wearing gloves, as the lepers are being treated and therefore are non-contagious, they embrace them and play soccer with them. If you really open your hearts to ppl, that's where the meaning of life lies. Let the world change you, and you can change the world. You just have to cast off this shell... and not be afraid to live... to just do something bec. it's the right thing to do... without being judged or evaluated. Bec. you spend far too much energy wondering if something is the right thing to do, than doing it... and you lose that window of opportunity.

Reasons that I'm still stunted

2006-07-23T02:59:19Z

So, I've come to the conclusion that I am a very shut person, because even though I feel a lot, I've learned not to verbalize it. Even simple things like thank yous... they just don't seem to flow freely. I just am too scared of that first contact and that is why I stagnate. I have not evolved. I don't welcome people willingly in to my life, bec. I feel like I can't support them and I don't want to feel indebted to them. Heck, I treat my family as a burden even though they shower me with nothing but love and attention. Why is it that I have such fears about being close to anyone? Why can't I treat everyone like they're a person worth knowing and earning the respect of? Instead, I hesitate, like water... I adapt to any container silently, never keeping my true form, unless I'm with those who I love and trust, and sadly can abuse. I don't try to draw attention to myself and am embaraased by it... with this aw shucks mannerism that I so should have outgrown by now. It's not cute and it gets in the way of me affirming what I want and need. It gets in the way of my happiness. So many have said that my only problem is that I lack confidence... and one would have thought that by now... by my mid-20s... I would have learned to be that... to make decisions decisively and carry them through without worrying too much if it's the right decision, obsessing to the point at which paralysis is more comfortable. I need to work on being thorough with the work I tackle, bec. I tend to start things and do them half-heartedly. I am in the driver's seat and yet I'm willing to let the car drive me, bec. I don't trust my steering. It's pathetic really... to see a human being so unevolved, so devoid of conviction and spirit, just driving aimlessly into the night, with no care of whether life continues or not. Because to be honest, there is nothing on this canvas that is worth anything. The reason people function well in this world is by making connections with each other. That is something I am completely incapable of. I look at how carefree others are, or how they accept the responsibility of their decisions, how they don't live in fear of making a mistake. How does a person get from point A to point B? Is it merely age? I've seen 24 year olds that are already mothers of 3, supporting themselves, running their houses. And I can't even hold a knife correctly. I can't deal with the idea of hosting a huge party for tons of family and friends. I can't deal with the idea of having to raise kids and teach them right and wrong. I can't deal with the idea of being close to someone, for fear that they might hurt me or that I might disappoint them. A self-fulfilling prophecy... I have no momentum in my life anymore. The trail has ended and now I'm free-falling off a cliff and unless I figure out a way to fly this plane... I'm just going to keep headed towards those waves until I crash into utter oblivion. I'm letting this happen and I am watching it happen. Why? Why don't I just scream out? Why don't I stop it? I am the person who everyone gets frustrated with bec. I'm the one who never acts in a progressive direction... people don't like ppl who drag their feet. No one respects anyone who doesn't put himself out there, in the line of fire, to do what is right.

Profound Musings of a Sleep Deprived OB Sub I

2006-07-14T20:52:39Z

Before I move on to all the wonderful thoughts I had as I tossed my circadian rhythm into utter chaos, let me update you on some happy life moments! So we finally had our weekend at Amy's which turned out to be really great! Amy lives in a lovely brownstone, that manages to somehow stay cool during the summer. It's one of those architectural marvels that current builders can't seem to mimick. In any case, for the first time in my life I biked on the street in Brooklyn and all around Prospect Park. Thanks to Amy's roomates, Renee, Amy and I set off on a biking tour of her neighborhood and through the lovely park. I hadn't ridden a bike for about 10 years and always in a park (a place without cars!)... in any case, I somehow managed to make it out alive. Amy fed us with some amazing things: pop-ups, prickly pear marmalade, homemade lime-honey seltzer, good Vegetarian food from Flushing, beans and rice, popups warmed in the microwave with Haagen Daas coffee ice cream in between. Jen met up with us for dinner and the 4 of us sat there, the good friends that we are, just enjoying being together in the same place at the same time. And plus, Amy's really decisive, so that saves time :). After that we headed into the city to watch the Skits NYC version, better known as Elephant Larry, where both Amatt and Payal met up with us. The show was alright... had hilarious bits on Esophagorightlegalon (or some other made up drug), a philosopher conglomerate, smurf eating, but other sketchier bits which I was surprised at... the cast members are also starting to look a little old... in the sense that I don't know how much longer they can keep at it, especially considering that a lot of them have full-time jobs outside of it (most commonly in mental health, scarily enough). But Amatt and Payal I think appreciated the most, because we've seen them so many times at Cornell. After that, we went to K-town and FINALLY after years did Karaoke, which was amazing fun! I think I sing too loud though and the voice that's coming out the speakers made me wince. But hey, it was great. Jen does a good White Flag, Renee does a good Angel, and Amatt and Amy did some vintage songs that they were great at. I also realize a good song for me for the next time is Power of Goodbye. Our last song was a funeral durge type of song... It was a very good year. It was a verrryy good year. So we sang into the early hours of the morning, as Jen said it was very addictive. And then we headed back to Amy's for a slumber party with Jen, Amy and Renee and I sharing the couch bed in the living room and watching HBO on demand. We only got through one ep of Sex and the City and the eyes began to close. In the morning, we saw a few eps of Entourage (Hollywood meets Brooklyn, the lush life of ppl trying to make it into show biz in LA).

July 4th I spent in the Bronx and what a fire show it was. Fireworks were going off all around the Bronx and I could lean my head out the window and watch them... not to mention there was someone right behind Forcheimer shooting them up. But considering I may never have a 27th floor view again, it was great to watch the fireworks going off in Queens and Westchester... so pretty and everywhere. Unfortunately, we don't have a view of Manhatten, but we may have had a chance at seeing the Macy's fireworks. This year's were much closer to the water, but so much better quality! Amatt made pasta, salad, garlic bread, enough to feed a small family. Italy had just made it to the final round of the world cup for soccer, so the Italian neighborhood was celebrating (which was NOTHING compared to the celebration when they won the world cup just a week later... which was one huge block party on Morris Park Ave... although the reason why they won was bittersweet, as France pretty much outplayed them the whole game until their captain committed a vile head-butting foul).

Manish, Parth and I went to see Superman Returns and it was a very well paced movie, it didn't really drag. Although the relationships between ppl were messed up, as Lois was married to Perry White's nephew and Clark had no relation to Superman, it was a decent movie. And Superman has a kid with Lois, and her husband doesn't know. It's just so very complex. It just goes to show that society has a hard time depicting any famiy as normal anymore, if even Superman, the Boy Scout, has "illegitimate" children. Meanwhile I remember, just a decade ago, the Superman on Lois and Clark was admitting how he hadn't lost his virginity and was waiting. And don't even get me started on children, now that I'm on OB ;).

Anyway, so the past few days have been interesting... making the transition between med student and intern, one that I haven't fully made yet, bec. I'm shy and unaggressive... one of the reasons I don't think I'd do that well in OB. Also, the hours are really brutal. I'm not sure that delivering babies is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I've been working nights, with maybe 3-4 hrs of sleep day. Although tomorrow's my 24 hr... we'll have to see how that goes... especially bec. I'll be headed back to nights. Al least one fortunate thing is that I'm gonna be in daylight when I go in, and daylight when I leave. I appreciate the pace of work so much more though, bec. it's a LOT more active, less sititing around and calling like medicine. Sigh I'm confused again. A day ago I was SURE I was gonna choose radiology, bec. I thought that OB was hell on Earth and that I was insane to even think of it in the first place. But after doing 2 deliveries yesterday and keeping myself busy on a night where 6 ppl decided to deliver at once, and doing a decently collected job of comforting patients and doing my work... oy, my brain. The other thing I realize is that we're not that bad, us Einstein students. We're pretty competent and we can do an intern's job... although having responsibility over so many patients and being responsible for making decisions, that is another story. I wonder if OB ppl are more open to being disturbed in the middle of the night, bec. of the high malpractice... they want to make sure everything runs smoothly. I've also managed to get myself and my poor shoes splattered with cord blood (completely my fault for not thinking of shoe covers and the cord blood spraying everywhere.) and screw up completely when it comes to presenting, but what can I do?

Girl's Night Out

2006-06-28T04:04:59Z

Oh, what a nice time tonight. Renee, Amy, Jen and I together in the city for some crazy post-work adventures. Nothing like dining and chatting with ppl in the same boat. We went to eat at Caravan of Dreams, a completely vegan restaurant. Pretty interesting food, but the best part was how fresh everything was. Will definitely try it again, sans the "live" dishes (i.e. uncooked, unprocessed veggies) and try for something cooked next time. I also realized I'm not a soup person, especially not a cold soup person. But all in all, not bad at all. Note though: do not order Tapas Platter (strange waterchestnut type thingies). Then we stopped over at Pomme Fritte for some fries (bec. all I had to eat was grass, healthy but so not substantial) and had Vietnamese Pineapple dip (surprisingly addictive and yummy!). And lastly for desert, Viniero's... which is a Ferrara knock-off, but honestly not as good. Well, partially that was my fault. I definitely chose wrong.. the Black Forest cake tasted too much of liquor... could not eat it, the taste was too overwhelming. Renee's Strawberry Millefollie ('million leaves') was pretty decent. But I think Jen got honors with her decaf iced cappucino (with vanilla gelato). We decided we're just like the Sex and the City girls, except that our show would be called "Food and the City"... which Renee brought up spells FAT C... yikes! Anyway, so we were trying to decide who we all were. Amy was Samantha, the food whore (her words, not mine). Jen was Miranda. Renee was Charlotte and I was Carrie, due to my eccentric eating. Kinda cutesy idea :). The marriage plague continues and we all continued to be untouched by it.

Gotta grow up

2006-06-20T23:18:01Z

Okay, some free thoughts...

Be direct and clearer with what you mean. People don't appreciate hesitation, childish shyness. Figure out tact, what helps to say in a situation and hold back what doesn't. Don't feel like you have to shape the convo to go where it has to... just be genuine, honest, not afraid to make mistakes, but don't be mean either. Enough pretense, become your own person by keeping your goals on achieving ideals, not the good opinons of others. Don't be comfortable with inaction, just bec. it is. Don't spend all your time obsessing and dissecting details that in the long run just don't matter. Think about it on your own and form your own opinion. Your life is not to please other ppl, it's to live doing what's right. And being strong enough to do what is right. Be strong enough to admit what you're thinking... despite the fact that you may be wrong. Do not overburden yourself with thougts of others and their thoughts about you. Just live. Move. Step forward. Don't whine about how stuck you are, in hopes that someone will drag you out of your rut. You have arms. You have legs. Climb out of the hole yourself... use those muscles that are still in an able body, before they atrophy to nothingness. Become an adult. Don't shirk away from the spotlight. Own it as best as you can. Try to achieve. Care about the world. No more words. Action from now on. Only action will get you to happiness.

Weekend in Ithaca

2006-06-20T20:42:53Z

So, I just had a wonderfully restful weekend in Ithaca. It was SO nice to be away from the Bronx and SI for a little bit. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged to a group of people, people I know so well I can anticipate what's going on with them. And I remembered that I wasnt just a screw up who didn't know anything.... that I had a role in my dysfunctional Cornell family... and there were others that care for me and that I am of some use too. It was just so comforting.

Arachnomatt and I drove up and it was a VERY pleasant trip. Despite getting a little lost bec. 17 has a million tiny subdivisions and btw, White Plains is a hellish town to drive in, and facing crazy traffic on the TappenZee and trying to find a house in middle of the woods with scary dips and turns in the complete dark while avoiding hitting deer, it was great, low-stress and filled with singing and there was always something to talk about. We listened to tons of broadway plays including Man of La Mancha, Camelot, Les Mis, Miss Saigon, My Fair Lady and CD mixes including two songs from Lagaan, anime, J-pop, classic rock.

Then we arrived in the dark of the night to our house on the lake, which was pretty roomy despite being bug infested where I was promptly given food (veggie burgers and corn.. yum yum!) and then whisked away to a campire Meredith made by the lake! Using our cell phones as flashlights, we got to the lake's edge, where there was the sound of waves running against the pebble beach. After that we played Cranium Turbo, which was really fun with its musical timer. Shing Bey played a real life puppet and it was a lot of fun! Matthew and I made it to second place, and we even managed to spell quite a few number of words backwards!

Renee, Amatt and I slept on bunks on the trailer, which ended up being really warm (and I was overprepared with my artic gear ready for a repeat experience from RA retreat). And we talked into the night... and then Renee and I woke up early, showered and then went for a bit of a walk. So great that she was there by the way... thank goodness for someone on my sleep schedule!

After that, we all went to Farmer's Market... and it was an absolutely gorgeous day to be out there... the plants and the produce! So fresh and nice... people were so nice... and it was such a different environment from the Bronx... the cement and concrete jungle which lacks the greenery and water. The organic food made my stomach happy and it was nice to sit on the rocks. At that point, the relaxation really began to sink in. I decided to go on the wine tours with the group, bec. it was much more worth it to catch up with ppl than sit alone on campus. I found things to amuse myself while everybody else tasted. The first winery had a gift shop, where they had pretty windchimes. The second had a donkey named Doobie and I got a nice chilled glass of white grape juice. The third had a strawberry festival going on and I was in heaven as they had chocolate covered strawberries and strawberry shortcake... plus, I got to sit under a tree and watch Cayuga Lake. The fourth, I sat on the terrace with Jen in the shade. After that though, I was done... I don't understand how other ppl can have so much endurance for the same things over and over again.

Anyway, this was followed by dinner in C-town which included CTB vegetarian bagel and milk tea, both of which I remember being much better earlier. What can I say? NYC food is just that good! After that, Amatt took Renee, Jen and I on an hour long car tour of campus, which was absolutely great! Just driving around the quads we got an idea of how things have changed... the engineers have a quad and it's pretty, West Campus has new buildings I've never heard of, Ag has a huge hole in front of it and we can't remember what used to be there, Trillium is now 2 levels, construction began on Bailey, Townhouses got screen doors, all the key locks have been changed to IDs, Lynah is under construction. Then we also squeezed in a little 15 min tour of the Plantations, which Renee, Jen and Amatt are convinced I made up and were mad that I had never told them about. We also walked through RPU and North Campus and visited Beebe Lake. The funniest exercise was trying to remember the names of places. And that we made it back to the house and played Taboo. I was exhausted by then bec. I had no sleep the few nights and I was starting to get weird palpitation type things.

Sunday morning was time for clean-up, which was accomplished without really any help from me. Definitely felt like a sideliner in the game bec. I didn't know what to do, but that was okay. I feel a little bad for Matthew and Mer bec. I think the trip took a toll on both of them, trying to cater to the needs of so many people. I think they might need a vacation from their vacation. They probably need a time when they can go by themselves and just be. Anyway, so we got Amy fed, and that borke her out of her funk. We went to the Bear Nec store to look at Cornell memorabilia. And we stopped by an Asian Mart... ate at Sangam and then took a lovely 45 minutes into Cascadilla gorge. It was a reminder of how out of shape I am, but it was soooo gorgeous!!! We waded in the water. And even Jen came across as Amatt put out stones for her to walk across. All in all, an awesome weekend!

End of 3rd Year

2006-06-05T03:56:25Z

So third year has come and gone... amazing to think where I was only a year ago. By the end though, I was left feeling so discouraged and depressed... bec. I still haven't found my niche. Am I really meant to do medicine? My heart isn't in love with it. And I can sense myself becoming more stressed as 4th year is about to start. I feel tremendously lost. I keep going from age 14 to 80... for so many things I'm still a child and I'm still embarassed that there's so much I don't know and am still too scared to do. Quarter-century crisis... seems like a highly appropriate term. You realize you have to grow up... and I don't want to... I'm too stubborn in the ways I think and not flexible enough to adapt to life. So many doubts...

On the upside, a week off worked wonders for me. I watched all 51 episodes of Full Metal Alchemist... which didn't quite end the way I would have liked... but then what anime really does? Important lessons learned: the concept of equivalent trade (that no one gains anything without sacrificing something), that no good can come from trying to resurrect the dead, that magic and science are two ways to cope with problems and some are just more talented than others, that living without a soul though immortal is pointless, that not all the organizations one works for will be good and staying true to your own motives is important.

Sad to say, as much I dislike the character of Yoko in 12 Kingdoms, I've gotta say there's a lot of similarity between us. She tries to please everyone and in the end, she begins to feel empty inside so much so that she says "I don't want to be class representative anymore". She's sick of being the model student. She's scared to do anything with her life, has no convinction and worries incessantly over everything. And despite being in a new world, all she wants is to return home (what she perceives as safe) although neither home nor school hold anything for her. Her adventures lie ahead, yet she cannot trust anyone and remains separate from the other characters in the series because she doesn't want to be taken advantage of and thus misses out on the simple pleasure of making a connection with someone. She's also so internal at times, that she experiences everything in a very self-centered perspective. I wonder if others perceive me as such and carry a similar dislike for me.

The other realization I have come to is that I don't reason through things... I tend to live life through the emotions that are brought up in each circumstance. I may not remember the specific details of an event, but I'll remember how it made me feel. I feel like an adolescent in that that's the only thing that guides my actions nowadays. I feel like I think so simplistically... I don't integrate enough. A clear example is when I was talking to the dean about career options and deferring graduation... I had brought up the possibility of pulmonary, but said then I'd be counseling patients to stop smoking everyday (as the lecturer in 2nd year had seemed bitter about)... meanwhile, my dean brought up the point that all doctors do that... and went into his own smoking history. And he asked me whether I'd ever smoked and reminded me not to judge. Just dumb, careless statements on my part... social skills of a hippo I guess... sigh... I wish I didn't have to play "the game"... sometimes I just don't know how to keep my mouth shut. Anyway, I have no clue of what the dean thought of me... and it shouldn't matter... but I am curious how his mind works and what goes on behind the scenes. Decisions will be made soon... and I'm grateful for a timeline and a validation that my feelings are normal. He compared choosing a career like having a choosing a spouse... sadly I have no experience with that either and maybe the same things that give me trouble in the relationship department are what impedes my career growth. If nothing else, at least talking to my dean made me a little more likely to go up to people and discuss career options and take a more proactive role in trying to navigate these seemingly shark infested waters... where perhaps the most vicious sharks are my fellow students as we compete for the same things. I just pray that somehow I'll make it out alive... and somehow find happiness in this overwhelmingly harsh sea.

Betsy's Wedding

2006-04-30T01:29:38Z

o today our beloved friend from HS became a married woman! Let me tell you what I noticed. So, the ceremony was in a huge church (there were 700+ people there!); it was a Korean church. There were two big bouquets on the stage with roses and white flowers, but in general it was a plain church. They had wreaths of white flowers with blue ribbons bows hanging off the pews. The groomsmen walked in first, and Shibu looked a bit nervous. The bridesmaids walked in one by one, all dressed in blue lengha types (Indian dress clothes kinda like the one I wore for the senior formal) and they had their hair all curled up with white flowers. They played Pachelbel's canon and rolled out the white carpet. And two flower girls came down spreading big rose petals. Betsy's mom and Shibu's mom both wore matching orange saris. And then Betsy came down with her proud dad, her eyes fixed on her husband to be. Anyway, so they both went up to the stage, where the priest started the 3 part ceremony: the blessing of the rings, the crowning of the couple, and then this knot tying/wedding sari business and the lighting of the unity candle. The whole service was interactive, because the priest would say something and then the congregation sang back phrases. It was all written out on a neat little program. And they had the most amazing guitar player... who sang beautiful love songs throughout the service... almost brought tears to my eyes (think of a John Mayer type). So they didn't have their kiss at the end... but they were presented as Mr. and Mrs. Shibu Mathew.

So after that was the reception which was held in this big fancy place in Long Island, chandeliers, mirrors, with bouquets of roses on each table... the works... and it was the most gorgeous day out... so in the ballroom where they had skylights, the sun was streaming in like God's fingers... so poetic. Anyway, so the Bride and Groom had their first dance which was "I pray for someone like you." and then they had the father/daughter dance which was "My Girl." Then the Best Man and Nancy gave their speeches... I think Nancy was close to tears. There was also this Malayali tradition where Betsy and Shibu each drink a cup of milk given by the other's mother. Then the couple changed into their reception outfits... Betsy into the red-golden sari she was given by the groom's family and Shibu into a black Indian outfit. Then there was a club like mini dance party ;). I got up and danced a little by myself too. And a little girl (maybe 3 feet tall or so) came up and took my hand so I would dance with her too. They had this thing called the Viennese Waltz, which involved deserts of every preparation -- ice cream, cakes, cookies... and a special fat-free table! They tried to get the bride and groom to kiss by rapping spoons against the glasses, so Shibu blew Betsy a kiss and then ended up kissing her on the cheek. It was just very cute. We'll have to look at the official wedding pictures though to get the official scoop on everything that went on!

My mom was my date, which was a mixed blessing... since I got suck at an old fogey table ;) and she flipped me out a little, by making me sit in a place I didn't think I deserved. So it was a little awkward for me. We just are so awkward socially.

Betsy's gonna be starting her residency in Family Medicine in July at Montefiore (one of the hospitals in the Einstein system)... so I may get to see her on the wards!

Margaret's presence was sorely missed by me... my fellow compatriot... I put mousse in my hair in her honor.

What was I thinking?!

2006-04-18T21:11:13Z

So... you'll been following all my ups and downs with medicine... it's been a love-hate relationship from the start. I've never really wanted to commit to it... the way I've never wanted to commit to anything in life (not relationships, not career). And I keep looking back and wondering what was I thinking? My mom says to me... you're unique in that you didn't go to med school with the purpose of being a doctor. I reread my AMCAS essay the other day, and yeah, it's a logical argument and it still holds true... but I can across a quote today: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." ~Harold Whitman~ And I'm not alive... is it bec. I haven't given myself time... or maybe it's that I'm perfectly suited to do nothing at all... a thought that makes me wonder about the meaning of life and whether my life has any purpose on this planet. I'm obsessed with my own insignificance and helplessness and instead of taking the wheel and taking charge of my future, I just drown in the sorrow that I don't like where I am. I've always been picked up, been held up by my parents... and as they need the picking up, I am utterly unprepared. To sum up, I worry too much and to top it off, I drag others down with me.

Today I'm sitting typing at the comp at the LIJ library, bec. I don't know how to stay out of people's way or be helpful. Instead I stand dumbfounded and silent, and constantly in the way. And my resident thinks I'm doing it for Brownie points.... or sycophantism.... even more sickening :(. So, I come off as a dumb goody goody that doesn't know a thing. Meanwhile, Mr. Psych Intern has become a superstar... so much so that they're trying to get him to change his mind and go into medicine... which goes to show that ppl will surprise you for the better. Not I There's a big difference between being able to work and being able to talk... and unfortunately, for all my life, I've just been talking and thinking, but never actually propelling my body to move, even when my brain is screaming for it.

I have to say I was somewhat relieved that I had some medical knowledge when BMan got hurt over the weekend... he was carting home heavy groceries and boarding a bus when the bus started to pull away and he fell. The site of his wrist fracture almost made me faint. And I got to see an emergency from a patient's eyes. St. Vincent's ER is so tranquil and peaceful... what the heck is wrong with those ppl? Anyway, it got mom all tense, but I was glad I was there to be a buffer of sorts. If nothing else, at least this med schooling will allow me to protect my family. BMan had a Colles' fracture and had to have an open reduction. He's not gonna be able to use his arm for months... as if the Purcellians needed more stress on their heads :(.

To sum up, I am flawed... completely and utterly flawed. There's no hope of saving me... not at all.

Comforting words

2006-04-14T00:00:23Z

Comforting words I heard in the laundry room... about what makes this whole deciding what specialty to go into thing so stressful... It's not so much that you aren't sure that something makes you happy... it's more that you're worried what'll happen if you give the rest up. If you never have to speak to a patient again, if you never have to see a kid again, if you never get to scrub into a case again... It's the fear of regret... of letting go of of the other things that you've seen.

Emotional draining

2006-04-13T01:04:27Z

For the first time in all of medical school... I was yelled at with so much hate I couldn't take it. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. It was only a brief encounter... a patient's family member was angry that we couldn't discharge the patient faster... my intern had left to do sign out and I was trying to do the discharge sheet. When the family member threatened to leave, I hurriedly wrote up some scripts which I couldn't sign bec. I don't have a license number... and she basically told me that they should have hired someone competent to do the job. So I begged her for 10 min, to chase down my intern... who ended up redoing all the work I had just done on the new script sheets and the patient ended up leaving without his prescriptions (bec. he's a big cover his ass kinda guy... kinda irritating... he tells ppl on the phone about HIPAA). Meanwhile, all I had been doing all day was waiting around for an ABG and for a confirmation on physical - neither of which happened... as I watched my intern write... and the other intern run around like a chicken with his head cut off (he's a psych intern doing his first medicine rotation... poor guy :( ).. that's SO gonna be me... considering how worked up I get over one patient. I finally got to do something for someone when they did a thoracocentesis... the poor man was so edematous... he was leaking edema all over the floor, and I was holding him up in a sitting position. And ppl get so snippy with one another... one fellow told an intern she was a lazy bum for being the primary care doc and not being in the room to help. This same intern offered to guide me to do the ABG.... which by the time they released me for my shuttle, my intern had already done himself... with a sheepish... I'm sorry.. I didn't know where you had gone... so I left completely beaten down... only to find out that the 5:45 shuttle which had left an hour before... had stopped on the bridge and so there wouldn't be another one for a while... meanwhile, the shuttle came at 8... and I stepped back into my apartment door at 8:20... a whole 14 hrs after I had left. Maybe medicine really isn't for me... if one tiny thing like this gets to me... maybe I just can't do it... I can't take the stress... handling one or two patients at a time... hey, that's more than enough... but also covering for other ppl with patients I don't even know... it's gonna be crazy... and I just feel so helpless... bec. all I feel like is that I'm in the way... I can't write orders... I don't make decisions... I don't even draw blood... I don't do anything... and Jacobi is coming up and I'm simply have not studied enough... and will not be able to do anything... it's horrendous... I know this is why I didn't want to do medicine... I'm too fragile for it... there is no way I want to get so intimately involved in people's lives... and you know what? My intern is smart... if they didn't want their scripts, whatever, they leave... you just document that... and forget about it... like water rolling off a waterproof roof. Yet, I still feel like it's all my fault... even though I know it's not... I had a hand to play... I just feel crummy... I'm too emotional for medicine... meanwhile, my writeups lie in shambles... and my brain just isn't strong enough.. I can't even survive in a hospital... I guess I'll just have to cry myself to sleep.

Flying Spaghetti Monster!

2006-04-09T22:32:48Z

So, apparently a new cult has been formed to protest the teaching of intelligent design in schools.

http://www.venganza.org/index.htm

Pastafarianism: Having to do with a flying spaghetti monster as a god! Ramen at the end of prayers... it's just too much. You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s.

Email that had me ROTFLOL:

Dear Bobby,

I have recently purchased one of your coffee mugs, but it is giving me
no end of grief. Every time I put coffee, hot chocolate, or hot tea in
the mug, it instantly transubstantiates into what I assume is the blood
of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It sort of looks like marinara sauce,
but I'm afraid to taste it. Curiously, when I put wine into the mug,
it just turns into a nice, full-bodied chianti -- beer does the same
thing. Is there any act of sacrifice or ritual that I can perform to
stop these miracles from occurring? While I bask in His greatness and
I am truly awed by His power, I'm also kind of thirsty. Any advice
would be welcome.

Sebastian Wren, Ph.D.
Austin.Texas

On a side note: my brother and I were talking about the movie V for Vendetta, which is pretty intense... at the end I felt like I'd been hit in the head with a brick. The movie preaches that people should not be afraid of their governments, the government should be afraid of the people. When is violence a necessary evil? V's character is pretty tragic as all he lives for is revenge... that even love cannot save him. I still can't believe he put Evey in a concentration camp and how living in that concentration camp rid her of fear, changed her so that she couldn't be recognized by the people she once loved. And how that one piece of toilet paper was the only thing that kept her alive. And that in the end the message was of love. When is war justified? It brings up the whole Mahabharata debate with Arjun and Krishna. And what limits should there be to our freedom? And when is the courage of an individual needed to set things right? After all, the army made the decision not to shoot the ppl raiding the parliament building. In the absence of an imposed will, we tend to choose the right things. Remember, remember, the 5th of November. Gunpowder, treason and plot. I see no reason that the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

Immunization

2006-04-08T15:04:50Z

While I still wonder as to the usefulness of the first and second years of medical school... as I've retained barely anything from them... I have come up with a new theory as to why they put us through the agony of memorizing microscopic details about things that are not clinically useful or relevant. It's an immunization process, and just like a shot, the process is quick and painful. You know to expect the pain -- bec. brain stuffing without understanding is probably one of the best ways to ruin your neural circuitry. However, the hope is that you'll make memory cells to the immunizing bits of information, that you'll mount an immune response so that once you see the information again, you will recognize it and be better able to deal with it. And as time goes by, your body will be better adept at dealing with the information and perhaps assimilate it.

Enneagram Test

2006-04-06T01:38:50Z

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12721960859055255705

the Romantic
you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

So apparently, I'm a romantic with no prospect of romance... that's depressing.

Morchand and more

2006-03-28T01:04:30Z

So watched a kinda nutsy ep of Related the other night (I know I know... junk TV, but what else do you when all you do is go to hospital and sleep at 9pm? You need some form of mindless amusement)... in any case, one part really moved me. The father was talking about the girls' deceased mother and the story of how they had met. Apparently, they lived in the same town and had gone to the same dance, both with different people. Anyway, so apparently, when their eyes met, they just knew. The mother pulled his arm as he was walking by... apologizing to his date, saying "when you know what you want, you just go for it." The dad was telling this to his psychologist daughter, who he was the most worried about bec. he didn't know if she knew "what she wanted." He kept telling her to find what it was she wanted from life and to pursue it with all her heart's might. And I've come to the conclusion that I myself have NO CLUE what it is I want from life. I know what and how I want to feel, but no idea how to get it. I have no idea what in this life would make me feel that way, only that I want to feel a certain way and it's been a long time since I have.

Sadly, searches that seemed optimistic have run dry... Missouri guy didn't call back (surprise, surprise... goes to show that I can really intimidate ppl). And friendships are drying up in some ways... aging... perhaps for the better, as we all need to break away and find the things that make our hearts sing. Still, it's sad... bec. there's the memory of what has been and what will never be. I look back now on the pictures from HS, how young, how innocent, how fresh of mind we were. The world was ours to conquer, romances to be had (of which at least Betsy found the fairy tale), inventions to make... the sky really was the limit. But as I tire of school... I find I just want to find a place where I'm comfortable, where I'm so at ease that I don't need to think (a dangerous wish in medicine, bec. as a physician it's your responsibility to think), where I can once again resume the dream world I like to live in... and find that peace where I can make things in the image of perfection which seems to make me happy. I want to earn my living, move on in my life and have the time to pay the attention to things that I want... taking care of those I love. That and to be loved and needed in return.

I have contemplated death a lot more as of late, as medicine has to be the rotation where you most often deal with death and breaking bad news. Medicine is where you find the new found cancer cases, where the patients all of a sudden have 6 months to live, and where an elderly person can all of a sudden "crap out" on you and need a code to be resuscitated. It's where you have to keep track of a million different systems and problems... but perhaps the most satisfying thing is that you probably have the clearest idea of what's actually going with the patient... bec. none of the specialties ever really think of communicating with one another. I was hoping that I would start medicine and all of a sudden love it. But sadly, it has not quite met my expectations, bec. right now it just seems like a circus of calling consults. I have to say though that I finally understand why we went through the first 2 years of medical school... bec. medicine's the one place where all of that is used. Medicine is a thinking, academic field... but sadly, it means very little immediate gratification.

Death is just something on my mind, bec. I haven't found the thing that makes my heart sing... and I feel like as my body is put under tremendous amounts of stress... it's falling apart... bec. life seems so senseless. Truth be told, I don't have a vision of what my future will be like. And that's frightening. I keep thinking of Beth in "Little Women" who knew she was going to die bec. she never saw herself as grown up. And I don't know that I see myself capable enough to manage a household, raise children, please a husband... it's asking a bit too much of me. I'm just way too selfish and way too stubborn to compromise. And that's why I have yet to find that special someone. I am completely lost in the art of attraction... and dig myself in huge holes of insecurity and self-doubt.

I also realize in my new-found quest to try to be the best doc I can be, I've completely lost sight of what's important in medicine. In my selfish desire to try to find the best education, I have forgotten about the patient. And how much of medicine is about making the patient feel that they're cared for... Matthew recently reminded me of that (and it's amazing how alien that concept has been in third year as you're trying to memorize triads and symptoms and differentials). It's not so much about what you can do for a patient, they will love you for who you are and how you care for them. And that really made me cry... bec. that's something I can do. Despite the fact that I may not have the stellar board scores or be the smartest person in my class (hah, no where near close) and my physical exam is pot ... nothing can change the care with which I will treat them... unless I forget... forget who I am... forget who they are... and become lost in the cynical run around that medicine has become. And that's something that's entirely under my control.

Today we had Morchand exercises, which I've been dreading ever since I came home in tears after last year, when they criticized my hair and my childishness. I have developed more confidence since then, but boy oh boy... do I still have miles to go. I have to say that despite my dreading this, I actually had a good time and that even though 17 min was not enough for me to do a complete history and physical (which may lead to my subsequent failure), I do believe I connected with all my patients. Ironically enough, I was the most comfortable discussing sex with the adolescent... maybe I really should do OB... but what sort of lifestyle would I be committing to? And I hate the stereotype... of the bitchy fat girl that can't get any guys... and although that fits me to a T, it's not something I honestly look forward to becoming. Plus, who wants to go into something completely dominated by the legal profession? I just wish they would scan our genetic material and tell us where we need to go. How much easier would that be? Just like produce! :)

Rest Stop

2006-03-06T16:56:19Z

Finally a week of rest! I realize that part of my misery for the past few weeks has simply been that... no chance to really unwind, constant stress... and wow, does it take a toll on you. I've had a smouldering headache all weekend and my brain refuses to jump start... burn out to the max. I'm hoping that it'll get a chance to recover before medicine. I definitely need an I&D of my brain... get all that pus, venom, and bitterness out. It's gonna be a re-humanization process.

Part of that recovery process was a trip to Philadelphia to see Matthew in his new home environment. Drexel is a beautiful school and Philadelphia is a decent city. It's all about the big windows! Philadephia has some awesome public art, including building size murals and a public game board complete with Sorry, Bingo, chess, checker pieces. And it really is so close to Staten Island... as I saw the Staten Island exit fly by on the Chinatown bus an hour into the journey! It was great to be driving around with Matthew again.

I also went to church for the first time in my life. The architecture is so beautiful and combined with the incense and the sunlight coming through the stained glass windows - it was as Matthew said a multi-sensory experience. I loved that so much of the service was sung... and I tried to follow the notes from the hymnal. The priest himself had a lovely voice. They used this set of bells and smoke... and it symbolizes carrying the prayers to heaven. I had no idea what I was really doing, in terms of standing or crossing or kneeling, but hoped I was respectful enough. At one point in the service, the wine and bread become Christ in the orthodox service and it was interesting to watch communion - a linking of all the people in the church community. It was also cute to watch the little kiddies, reciting the prayers. And at the end, the parishoners kiss the hand of the priest and receive bread.

We also met up with Beth, Elbert, Eric and Scott... it's crazy how we all are growing up. I feel so disconnected with people. Is that because of my self-imposed exile? The other thing is that I haven't really figured out how to interact with large groups of people, definitely evidenced by my inability to speak. Have I forgot how to meet new people? And why am I so scared of them? It's true I think... that I'm pathologically shy. Definitely need to shed that at some point.

We also watched Rent the movie, which I really liked. Some snippets:

"There's Only Us, There's Only This
Forget Regret, Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road, No Other Way, No Day But Today"

"I think they meant it, When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it, A new lease you are my love
on life. Be my life. Just slip me on. I'll be your blanket.
Wherever whatever, I'll be your coat.
You'll be my king, and I'll be your castle.
No you'll be my queen, And I'll be your moat"

"When I Looked Into Your Eyes
Why Does Distance Make Us Wise?
You Were The Song All Along,
And Before The Song Dies
I Should Tell You I Should Tell You
I Have Always Loved You
You Can See It In My Eyes"

Another good song from the weekend:
"Cause you had a bad day, You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride" - Daniel Powter

I left this weekend with another commitment to do better and grow more. I'm gonna drive more and cook more!! And I took the car from dad from the ferry yesterday... and drove confidently. I'm proud of me!

So what next... trying to figure out the nebulous cloud that is 4th year! AHH! So tempted to take time off and just leave for a while!

Bitter Destiny

2006-02-27T00:04:15Z

How can it be that this is to be my destiny? When I feel more lost than found and when I try to fly, I hit the ground. I'm so bitter about medical school and the way I feel so uncompletely prepared for what's out there. But where is the blame to go? I didn't work hard enough, that's for granted. I made other things a priority as I let med school just pass by with the confidence that God wouldn't let me in if it wasn't the right place for me to be. And now I have to make decisions about where it is I want to go and I have no idea... and I feel like there isn't a plan for me and that I'm in this all on my own. And that maybe I took a wrong turn... took the path that had all the flashing warning signs... but it was the road that was most familiar... that was so easy to float into bec. it didn't require any thought... I could just cruise by on automatic. Life doesn't last on automatic... pretty soon you run out of gas... and you have to figure out how to jump start that car yourself and drag it out of the ditch that it's in. I don't want the reigns because I honestly don't know where to go. I'm lost. That's all. I just want to work... no more learning... no more stress... I've lost enough hair... enough health over this. When will I just be able to perform... and perform efficiently and well? When will I finally be the person that I'm supposed to be? Not a lost naive girl who doesn't know how the world works and can't make up her own mind about what she wants. Why would anyone want me?

The Doormat

2006-02-18T23:31:36Z

So, mid clerkship evals are in... and of course, I was confused for being an out-of-towner... too quiet, shy, unassertive to be a native New Yorker... and if I keep at it, it could jeopardize the well-being of my patients. Behold, I AM the Doormat! I attribute these comments to their lack of vision... and I keep hoping that any day now, my real self will break through... the decisive one, that knows what she's doing and is confident and capable. The twenties are nearly halfway through and what have I truly accomplished? 150,000 dollars down the tube and still no clue as to what I'm going to be or do. At every turn, the patients are like "go be a pediatrician" and in the words of a 4th year, I'm not quite sure that's a compliment. Bec. the pediatricians I see can be really sickeningly sweet... Dr. Adam had said that the choice between medicine and peds is based on what you really want to be doing at the end of the day and the ones that choose peds would rather play with kids all day. To be honest, I don't think I have the energy for that... and I didn't even realize how miserable I was in that situation until I got to surgery. It's bec. I've got this whole "I'm grown up" complex.

On the upside, my evals were OB were pretty positive... thank goodness ppl recognized that I love to learn and that I do have my patient's interests at heart... and maybe it's bec. I don't hope to have any political gain... I don't do things to make myself look good... in fact, most of the time, it's the exact opposite... including toppling over a cart of supplies in the Peds ER with the ultrasound machine and completely blanking out on basic questions on my patients, and getting on the shuttle to LIJ instead of Monte on the day of my presentation... gotta love me, the idiot.

A 3rd year resident asked me whether I'm going to do medicine or surgery... and when I said I wasn't sure, he was like "Are you kidding? That's the easy part." There are clear differences in personality between surgery and medicine. However, there's also inconsistency between what I admire and what I can do. Is my will strong enough to get me through a surgical residency? Is my will strong enough to get me through residency, period?

Finding a voice is so hard... mostly bec. my throat spasms as my anticipation and expectation of failure go up. I don't place enough importance on the process of getting to the conclusion, and instead just want the ending. I can't present what I've learned in an organized form and I dwell too much on the mistakes I'm about to make... and lo and behold, I make them. And that's when I end up not learning... I'm holding medicine like a dirty tissue... holding it at arm's length, grasping it gingerly with two fingers, trying to not to get snot on them. And instead of reading my medical books, I end up watching figure skating and wonder why I never pursued that pipe dream.

As mom points out, I like making that difference in people's lives... but whether I'm the best person to be there on the frontlines... that I'm not so sure of. I remember this one resident who chose Peds simply bec. he didn't know what to do and thought that pediatricians were nice ppl, and to be honest, he wasn't that great at what he did. That indecisiveness that could lead to incompetency... that could be me... unless I learn to be more active, take the risks I haven't, and finally acknowledge that I have to be a grown-up. I can't keep one arm on the pool edge and kick, thinking that I can make it across to the other side... I'm not gonna go anywhere... you have to let go of the wall and let yourself be immersed in the scariness of being alone, surrounded by water with nothing underneath your feet, for a little while, before you can reach the other side and be safe again.

Ob-la-dee, Ob-la dah, Live goes on

2006-02-11T21:36:02Z

OB/Gyn is going well, and surprisingly enough I'm not ruling it out yet... despite the fact that there are tons of social issues to get mad about (24 yr. olds on their 6th pregnancy... and what sort of life do they expect their kids to have? Kids relying on welfare and starved for attention, when mom hasn't even finished high school?). You also see some of the hardest moments in people's lives. On my last day of OB, I witnessed the birth of a missed abortion. The fetus had just died inexplicably at 15 weeks. To see a woman go through the process of labor for a baby that's already dead... to see her suffering alone in a dark room at the end of the labor and delivery floor... it's one of those images that you take with you. All I know is that if I ever have to go through that, I don't want to be alone. Gyn has been okay so far. Despite the fact that I'm interested in things and learning, it never seems to come out right and I end up making an idiot out of myself. I feel like a shadowing pest and dang do those OB ppl walk fast and they're mad efficient. Not to mention that I accidentally got on the wrong shuttle and ended up at LIJ instead of Monte and completely missed my presentation (which may have been a blessing in disguise since my presentation sucked)... but dang, how unprofessional is that. We had a talk on 4th year and adequately planning what it is that we want to do - research for fellowships, picking what you want to go into... it's just insane. I'm not ready to be a grown up. It's really interesting to see what people are choosing, often completely the opposite of what one pictures. The worry wart in me surfaces wondering how God is gonna get me through this next leg of life. I've really been blessed so far with good luck and yes, it hasn't been the most daring life led. But I'm hoping it all won't go down the crap shoot from here.

Friends are not psychiatrists

2006-01-25T01:34:10Z

So, if there is a new year's resolution for friendships... this is it... no more treating friends like psychiatrists. Dumping and venting is part of the relationship, yes... but when it gets to the point of being excessive, to the point where the friendship is breaking because all you do is add more load to it, then you know that it's time to stop, step back and realize that friendship is something that's earned. It needs work and sunlight and all those good things to survive. I guess that's why ppl like going to psychiatrists; there's no emotional cost to the people who are close to you. You can dump on a person who's not involved in your life and not have it poison your interactions with loved ones.

On a completely different topic, I think I've become addicted to tea... a great hand warmer especially when there's a nasty draft out there... but dang, there is caffeine in there and you have to watch out. There's that tea poem from the bubble tea place that says that if you drink more cups of tea, health will follow. But after 6 cups, I think something in my system wasn't happy... the slow release caffeine definitely built up over time. However, I also realize that it's a remarkably cheap beverage to have with a meal, especially when eating out. Unlike soda or orange juice, it doesn't rot your teeth. Unlike coffee, it doesn't get you all jittery. It's a very nice, soothing beverage (is it clear that I'm getting old?)

On the upside, I am completely excited about OB. Delivering babies is one of the happiest, most satisfying things in the world. I like caring for the mother after the delivery. Who cares about the screaming alien? ;) I can't wait to learn more! How is it that all the things that I feel like I'd be terrified of, I end up loving?

Indian Horoscope

2006-01-12T04:09:50Z

Interesting....

The Meena (Pisces) female is caring and compassionate and makes a loving companion. Forming relationships with her is easy as she is kind, sympathetic, receptive and adaptable. However, this makes her lack self-confidence and she may require some help from you to build the relationship. Her other good qualities include: superior learning skills, artistic abilities and strong intuition. A fantastic imagination could lead her and her relationships to great heights. At the same time, she is orthodox and grounded to the past. If you want a docile, grateful, homeloving, caregiver - she is the person for you.

Timidity, confusion, and superstition are qualities to watch out in her. She is a weak-willed person who can be easily led astray by anyone. She can also be bossy, despite her lack of self-confidence. Her reserved nature too may prove a challenge to overcome. Indecisiveness is another trait that may prove harmful to relationships.

Plastic Bubble Girl

2006-01-12T02:27:01Z

"I'm not right and I'm not fine
I wanna be rain that tastes like wine
I wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything except for your mistake"

Ugh what a difficult few weeks this has been. Each day has been a reminder of how insignificant I am, how ineffectual. The truth is that they needed another type of medical student... an aggresive one who was just so happy to be on an inpatient unit, unruffled by what all went on. Working in an environment where all the patients want to do is go home because they don't believe they're sick is so absolutely draining. I hate it... that's just simply it... to know that you are what stands in the way of their freedom, yes for their own good and the good of their family members... but what sort of life is this? People argue that being alive and psychotic is better than being dead... but what I've seen is so sad! Sad is a good word to use, but also ineffectual.... it doesn't convey the degree of hopelessness to these people's condition. These are people with a history of negligence, of physical and sexual abuse, substance abuse... and yet they somehow are in one piece. They are so different than I am... and I have nothing to give them... other than amusement at my naivete. The drugs are so close to quackery... most stop working anyway... bec. the brain adapts... and no one in this world knows how the freak they work... it's soooooo unscientific. It was argued that all drugs are like that... but I am completely distressed by psychiatry. And you know why? It's the science of people and behavior... which honestly I have no desire to comprehend... I am far too judging for my own good... yet another reason why I have NO business in the medical field.

I also realize that I live my life in a plastic bubble... and soon that bubble is gonna burst and I have no idea how I'm going to keep myself together. My parents have provided EVERYTHING for me so far... I've never had to want for anything... except perhaps the courage to take destiny in my own hands. Taking my future into my own hands... deciding what the heck I want to be, where the hell I want to live, and where I want to go... I can't do this on my own. Right now I feel like the most incompetent person out there... I'm of no use to humanity... bec. I lack the conviction, the will to change my fate, decisiveness, strength (physical and mental)... what life can I possibly hope to save if I can't even save my own. I've always viewed things from my point of view... I haven't yielded to others... I'm not soft hearted and giving like the good people I know... I have a pretty hard heart, that doesn't trust people and is so afraid to let anyone in... lest they find out I'm not perfect. And so I stay stupidly silent, riding life so passively it's sickening... when even a well placed word would do miles for action. I'm such a disappointment... such a rotten human being. I never take that step... leap up and grab that opportunity to help... too concerned with consequences. And that's why I will always be alone... why I will continue to fill my life with painful things to distract me from the loneliness and self-loathing that eats away at me. If I can keep myself busy enough, I can forget how alone I truly am.

And I still have to get up and face tomorrow... it's pure agony. God help me.

Weekend of Bliss

2006-01-03T04:20:56Z

WOW, what a wonderful weekend... New Years 2006 and hopefully an equally happy start to a new year! First off, Renee came by on Friday and stayed over, which I've been looking forward to for so long. Matthew, Renee and I went to go see the holiday lights at the zoo... got to see the ice carvings and the lovely reindeer. There's something surreal about seeing animals by Christmas lights. This was followed by dinner at Mamma Maria's... a nice Italian (what a surprise) place that had always looked interesting from afar.

This was followed by a little bit of chaos with regards to plans and we all ended up going to see a train show at the botanical gardens... so amazing what they can make out of plant parts.... just gorgeous houses and a wonderful replica of the Brooklyn Bridge! There was also a foray into a tropical rainforest and desert. Sigh, I knew I should have done botany! It's amazing what Mother Nature comes up with. And to boot, it started snowing... lovely, gorgeous snow (big beautiful flakes that coat everything with peace)... happiness indeed!

The snow made the driving upstate pretty perilous... and the Saw Mill Parkway was scary... made me realize the car is still a very dangerous vehicle and honestly I don't know how Matthew was able to do it. But we made it to the grocery store and picked up a bunch of raw ingredients and followed Amatt's brother on a safe way back to his house. And somehow we managed to pull together a meal! From Patty's mexican lasagna to Amy's Potato soup to Matthew's vegetable concoctions to Garlic Bread to Salad replete with two salad dressings made by Renee to Amy's Chick Pea salad.. it was a true feast! And done in so little time.

After that we had a trivia game a la Friends... and I realized how much of my brain's neurons have been crossed... that basically things are familiar but misattributed (a common problem in my medical knowledge too! yikes). My short term memory has really been going as of late. This was followed by sitting by the fireplace and playing Taboo. The ball dropped and we had chocolate cake (mental note: must remember no chocolate next year for Amatt's migraines). After that it was back to the fireplace for updates on people. It was such a warm setting to be surrounded by people that you care about and care about you... to not be lonely (a feeling that's been too common as of late). This was followed by the movie Labyrinth... which was possibly one of the oddest movies ever but its bizarreness made it possible to stay awake despite sleep deprivation (I was talking throughout it to stay awake)... and then there was chatting in the morning (somehow I always manage to be the first to wake up and to everyone else's chagrin, wake everybody else up.. there's something magical about 8:41 btw). Then we had a tour of Matt's grounds... including a lovely little stream, deer tracks and a herd of deer, a planted Christmas tree... but the best part was seeing the placid reservoir, with its gorgelike rock formations and cascades. For some reason, the song America the Beautiful seemed to be appropriate... and for the first time in a long time, I thought about how beautiful this country is.

After getting a wee bit lost (regardless of lack of maps), we ate an authentic Greek meal in Astoria, complete with a set of dips and Saganaki (my favorite!) and olives, a splendid finish to a weekend with loved ones :).